Poem 10/13,21/05

When I am thinking about you, and believe me it is lots
I try to fill my head and heart with nice positive thoughts
Only I've been hurt before, and that pain was just too real
So I am very scared all the time, to let myself feel
And when I'm with you it's ecstacy and torture inside
Can we ever get past my mistake of thinking you'd lied?
It seems lost trust is an obstacle hard to overcome.
We certainly don't say it, but I think something's gone numb.
Your interest in my presence has evidently faded,
Maybe fearing rejection, your hesitance created.
Sometimes I am also fearful of displaying my care
But the only way to be true, is put my heart out there.
Pardon my panic if it occasionally shines through.
I want to take this slow, but it's so hard not to love you.

Curse this word "love"! We are taking pleasure in this-measuring our mental expanse.
Must I always ruin the intrigue, with being so desperate for that love dance?

I've never known what love was when not having to hold someone else's hand,
Never knowing my own person or life while loving, on my own two feet to stand.
Somehow this is different, you challenge me, you are unwilling to take command,
Overwhelming freedom, unbalanced, like waves crashing in on feet, planted in sand.

I wrote the first 12 lines in the morning hours of October 13th, during another night of insomnia. I knew it wasn't finished, but I didn't know which way that I wanted the poem to go-hopeful or dreadful. I let the outcome be decided by another week of involvement & reflection, over events with my someone special, be the judge and added the rest of the poem, which originally started as a poem of it's own, in the early hours of this morning. Yes, another night of insomnia, but in all fairness, I do sleep sometimes, it's just normally about the time that the rest of the world around me is waking. My favorite parts of this poem are how I decided to word getting to know each other, by "measuring our mental expanse", and also the ending with a visual picture. Imagine you are standing on the beach alone and the sun is rising. The wind blows lightly, rythmic waves tumble and recede, and seagulls scurry from shell to shell looking for their breakfast. You walk closer to the water, so that the waves are gently crashing up over your feet, and the sand, soft and wavering under your toes if you wiggle them, begins to wash away. Within another wave or two if you haven't yet taken a step, you feel you must, because your foundation is collapsing. You are forced to make that decision now, sink and let the next wave bring the smothering sand on top of those feet, or advance and take another step only to face the dilema again in moments. Momentum becomes important if this is what you have focused on, but when you allow your environment in its entirity to envelop you, you are calmed again, and enjoy the pleasures of the overall experience. This perfectly describes how I feel about my someone special, unsure of what will happen next, and sometimes focusing too much on that, but savoring every detail and appreciating it all.